You're Exhausted, But Sleep Won't Come...The Hidden Way Loss Disrupts Rest

You’ve done all the “right” things to get ready for bed. The lights are low, the phone is put away, the house is quiet. You’re so tired you can barely keep your eyes open.

And then… nothing.

Your head hits the pillow and instead of drifting off, your mind starts running (and running). Memories. Regrets. The “what-ifs” and “if onlys.” Conversations you wish had gone differently. The sound of their voice you can almost still hear.

Grief has a cruel way of stealing rest without warning.

It’s not just about missing someone or something — it’s about how loss changes your body’s rhythms. When we’re grieving, our nervous system is often stuck on high alert. Our brains are scanning for danger, even when we’re safe in bed. That constant state of “vigilance” can make deep rest feel impossible. Your body is trying to protect you, but in doing so, it’s also keeping you awake.

And here’s the tricky part: the more you try to force sleep, the further away it seems to get. You start watching the clock. You tell yourself, If I fall asleep now, I’ll still get five hours… four hours… three hours… — and before you know it, the sun is rising. Which means you start the next day exhausted — physically, emotionally, and mentally — and the cycle keeps going.

If this is you right now, friend, I hope you'll give me permission to share these two things with you:

1. You’re not “failing” at grief because you can’t sleep. This is a common and very human response to loss.

2. There are small, gentle things that can help your body remember how to rest.

   
   

Some people find comfort in a nighttime ritual — a warm drink, a short journal entry, or reading something light before bed. Others need to “empty out” their thoughts earlier in the evening so they don’t spill over into the night. Breathing exercises, gentle stretches, or even a few minutes of meditation can help signal to your body that it’s safe to soften its guard. And sometimes, it’s simply about giving yourself permission to rest, even if you’re not sleeping — letting your body be still without judgment.

You may also notice that certain times of night feel harder than others. Maybe it’s the hour when you used to talk before bed, or when you’d hear their footsteps in the hall. Being aware of those tender moments can help you plan for extra care around them.

Grief changes the way we move through our days, but it also changes the way we move through our nights. The important thing is to meet yourself with compassion in both.

Your body and heart are carrying a heavy load right now. Sleep will come again, in time.

But until then, you’re still allowed to rest.

If you are looking for support on your grief journey, please reach out, I would be honored to walk alongside you.