When Grief Crashes The BBQ...Why it's ok to say "no" to Summer gatherings, without the guilt.

Summer is often thought of as a season of lightness: sunshine, laughter, fireworks, beach days, and backyard BBQs. It’s a time when people gather, celebrate, and make memories. But for someone who is grieving, these moments can feel like being invited to a party they no longer recognize—where everyone else seems to be having fun...while you're just trying to keep breathing and stay afloat.

If you’re grieving right now and find yourself dreading the idea of the next BBQ invite, fireworks show, or casual summer hangout, this message is for you:

You are allowed to say no.

You are not obligated to show up in cheerful spaces when your internal world feels heavy. Grief doesn’t follow the seasons. It doesn’t take a break just because the sun is shining or because it’s a national holiday.

When Summer Doesn’t Feel So Warm

Summer can be especially challenging for the bereaved because of how visibly happy everything seems. Social media is full of vacation posts, family cookouts, and matching red-white-and-blue outfits. The disconnect between that external world and your internal reality can feel jarring.

You might find yourself:

• Feeling out of sync with the joy around you.

• Thinking, “How can people laugh like that when I feel like this?”

• Dreading small talk or lighthearted banter when you’re carrying something much heavier.

• Struggling with memories of summers past spent with the person you’ve lost.

  
  

And while some events may seem harmless—just a simple BBQ or a neighborhood picnic—the energy it takes to prepare, socialize, make conversation, and appear “okay” can feel like too much.

Grief is work. And that work doesn’t stop just because there’s watermelon on the table and fireworks in the sky.

The Balance Between Protection and Isolation

With that being said, I would be remiss to not point out that there’s a difference between protecting your peace and cutting yourself off.

Saying no to an event is not the same as saying no to life. But grief sometimes convinces us to retreat entirely, which can leave us feeling more isolated over time.

So how do you know what’s right?

Ask yourself:

• Am I choosing to rest or to hide?

• Would a quieter or smaller connection feel better?

• Is there a way I can modify this invitation to meet me where I am?

Maybe it’s not a big BBQ—but a one-on-one coffee with a trusted friend. Maybe you don’t stay for the whole gathering, but show up just long enough to feel seen. Maybe you let someone know you’re thinking of them, even if you’re not ready to join in.

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Just the one that honors where you are.

A Gentle Note to Friends and Family

If someone you love is grieving and they turn down your summer invitation—please try not to take it personally.

They aren’t rejecting you or your effort. They’re simply working through something that often doesn’t have words. Grief takes up mental, emotional, and physical space. Even the simplest social gathering can feel like too much. Instead of pushing or persuading, try this:

“I’d love to see you, but I completely understand if you’re not up for it. I’m here when you are.”

That one sentence can go a long way in helping someone feel both loved and free.

Give Yourself Permission

If you’re grieving this summer, give yourself permission to skip the BBQ. Or leave early. Or cry in the car before you walk in. Or do none of it at all.

Healing often requires solitude—but it also asks for intentional connection, even if it’s small. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you’re navigating this chapter. Just make sure you’re not abandoning yourself in the process.

There’s courage in saying yes, and there’s just as much courage in saying no.

So whatever this season holds for you—celebration, quiet reflection, or a bit of both—I hope you give yourself grace every step of the way.

You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just grieving.

And that’s allowed....and necessary.