What is that saying? The only certainty in life is that things will change. Life has a way of unfolding without warning, and sometimes this includes the harrowing experience of sudden, profound, traumatic loss.
When a loved one passes unexpectedly, the shock and trauma that accompany the news can feel overwhelming at best. It is like the world has shifted on its axis, and nothing seems right anymore.
As a grief and life transition coach, I’ve had the opportunity to walk alongside many who have faced this difficult journey. Through my years of experience, I’ve gathered a few insights and strategies that I hope will offer some comfort and guidance during such this difficult time.
Allow Yourself to Feel
First and foremost, it's vital to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise. This can be easier said than done. From a young age, we are taught to "wipe away our tears", so often, we are predisposed to try to tuck our grief away, and that will only work for so long. Your grief journey, especially following a sudden or traumatic loss, is not linear. Please do not use any "stages of grief" model, more often than not, they make you feel as if you are grieving the wrong way if you don't follow the steps in order....that is not ever the case with grief. It's messy business, often following no logical order at all! You may feel a storm of emotions—anger, disbelief, profound sadness—all within a few moments. These feelings are normal, natural and valid. Give yourself permission to experience them without judgment, from others, or yourself.
Seek Support
Grieving can make you feel so lonely, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Reach out to family and friends, and consider joining support groups where you can connect with others who have experienced similar losses. I also encourage engaging with our active Facebook community, where many share their stories and support each other through grief. Asking for help can be difficult, so if you are struggling with asking, consider this...You can do anything, but you can't do everything. When you have a toothache, you consult a dentist, when your car needs work, you consult a mechanic. You do this because they are experts in the field in which you need help. A grief professional is no different. We are here to support and guide you through your grief journey, and we are only one phone call, email, message or comment away.
Establish a Routine
I know this one sounds silly, but after a sudden loss, the world may feel unpredictably chaotic, even overstimulating at times. Establishing a gentle routine can provide a framework of normalcy as you begin to process your grief. It’s not about filling your day with busy tasks but rather structuring your day so you have time to reflect, mourn, and heal, as well as engage in normal daily activities. If there is ever a time to learn the power of "No", this is it. You do not have to attend every event that you are invited to. This is a time to protect your peace, and be gentle with yourself. Remember that "No" is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
Memorialize Your Loved One
Creating a space or ritual to remember and honor your loved one can be a powerful part of your healing process. This could be something as simple as lighting a candle daily, visiting a place they loved, or even continuing a hobby they were passionate about. These actions can help you feel connected to your loved one and can act as an anchor to honor their memory. Many of my clients use these practices to help ground themselves in the mornings, before they start their day.
Write It Out
Journaling can be a therapeutic activity during grief. Write letters to your loved one, jot down memories, or express how you're feeling. This can provide a healthy outlet for your emotions and serve as a record of your healing journey. I often have clients tell me that they feel more comfortable being vulnerable and authentic in their journal than when trying to share with close family or friends. I have found that utilizing journaling as a tool in my coaching practice has helped myself and many of my clients move forward in their grief journey.
Take Care of Your Physical Health
I think we often underestimate how much grief can take a toll on our physical well-being, so it’s important to try to eat well, get enough sleep, and engage in physical activity. Grief is heavy, and we carry the weight of it in our bodies. Starting any exercise program isn’t always easy so start small and set realistic goals for yourself. If exercise hasn't been anywhere on your radar for quite some time, you will be setting yourself up for failure if you set a goal to do three spin classes a week! A short walk or a few minutes of stretching, following along with a beginners yoga class on YouTube for just a short time each day can make a significant difference. Of course, it is always a good idea to consult with your physician before starting any exercise plan, so please remember to consult your doctor.
Handling Anniversaries and Triggering Events
As time moves on, certain dates or events may trigger memories and emotions connected to your loss. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays might be particularly challenging. It's important to plan ahead for these days. Think about how you might want to spend them, whether it involves being alone, celebrating your loved one’s life with family and friends, or doing something that honors your loved one.
Allow yourself to change traditions if that feels right. There is no right or wrong way to handle such days; what is essential is that you do what feels healing to you.
Embrace Flexibility in Your Grieving Process
Remember that grief is an intensely personal journey. Each moment can bring new feelings, and that's okay. Some days you'll manage better than others, and sometimes, you might revisit emotions you thought you had moved past. Please understand that this isn't a setback—it's a normal part of the grieving process. Your personality traits, past life experiences, circumstances surrounding the death of your loved one and the unique way you process grief all play a role in your grief journey. Be gentle with yourself and embrace flexibility as you heal and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up without criticism.
Find Meaning
In the wake of trauma, finding meaning can be particularly powerful. Many find comfort in creating or discovering a sense of purpose that arises from their loss. This could involve advocacy or awareness work, participating in activities your loved one enjoyed, or learning something new that connects you to them. Using this time to get the most good from your grief and to find your purpose in life can open up doors that will allow you to engage in meaningful activities can offer a path toward healing and a way to honor those no longer with us.
Experiencing sudden or traumatic loss changes you forever. However, through these coping strategies and the support of a compassionate community, you can find a way to navigate this new reality. Remember, you are not alone on this journey. As we continue to build a supportive network in our Facebook community, I invite you to reach out, share your story, and perhaps find a sliver of peace in knowing that your feelings are understood and respected. If you are in need of support during your grief or life transition journey, I'm here and ready to help you get the most good from your grief.
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